Someone recently showed me the following piece, originally printed in the Ann Landers column in 1999. Anyone who has ever given a pill to a cat will hopefully relate to it, and find it as hilarious as I did. Dog parents, I am confident you will find it enjoyable as well. (Remember, this is meant to be a joke. Please do not try this at home, and I do not advocate the techniques described).
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove next pill from foil wrap.
Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head visible under assistant’s armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow.
Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat’s mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat’s mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat’s throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.
Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.
(I have to say, you could enlist the help of your vet without resorting to the animal shelter. And, I do, sincerely, love cats.)
